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Our Junk

Friday!!!!! February 5th, 2016

Employees at a California Burger King  trashed the restaurant causing $35,000
in damage to the restaurant after getting a prank call about a fake gas leak.
South Korean soldiers are patrolling the border with North Korea.  Both countries
have escalated their propaganda war across the heavily armed border since the
North’s latest nuclear test last month.
Japan's cabbies say they're having close encounters with ghosts of the 2011 Tsunami in 2011.  
Scientists figured out why the Internet is making us DUMBER.  When you read online
,your brain is forced to constantly decide whether to click on links, videos, and ads.
 When you read a book, you don't have to make decisions, so your brain does a better
job committing what you read to memory.

Thursday, February 4, 2016

Scientists say they've figured out what's behind "Resting Bitch Face," where
your default expression seems unhappy and judgmental.  If you're squinting
slightly and raising the corners of your lips a little . . . but NOT smiling . . .
people register it as a sign of CONTEMPT.
DEF LEPPARD guitarist PHIL COLLEN loves GUNS N' ROSES, but he thinks
it's lame they can make so much money for their reunion.  He says, quote,
"Our integrity's still intact, we've never split up.  Someone dies, someone
loses an arm, someone gets cancer, we soldier on."

Wednesday, February 2, 2016

 A guy called 911 in California last week, and said he'd been carjacked.
 But the cops found the carjacker was actually just a sweatshirt and a bucket.
Texas resident gets Zika Virus through sex.
A guy in Italy got into an argument after his kid's soccer game this weekend,
and dropped his BIDET out a window and onto his neighbor's head.  
A Delta Airlines flight from L.A. to Minneapolis was diverted to Salt Lake City
a few weeks ago, because two flight attendants got into a FIST FIGHT.  
Rumor has it Dos Equis is retiring its "Most Interesting Man in the World" ad
campaign with a Super Bowl commercial.  Supposedly, it'll show the Most
Interesting Man in the World getting stranded on Mars.

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

A  woman demands a lifetime supply of Kit Kats after getting just chocolate
with no wafers! Can you imagine the shock?  
It's Groundhog Day! But how accurate is Punxsutawney Phil?
The police report says that the man PASSED GAS, then told the cop,
"That's for you."  Then he started smelling the air, and said, "That's what pork
and mashed potatoes will do."
According to a new survey, Trump supporters are twice as
likely to talk about an ex on a first date, and 11 times more likely to expect SEX.
 Clinton supporters are 43% more likely to be looking for a serious relationship . . .
and 20 times more likely to expect NO physical contact.
A school accidentally names a weight room the "White Pride Fitness Room".

Monday, February 1, 2016

 There's a homeless guy in Detroit who now takes credit cards.
A cop in England checked on something at a club on Saturday, walked in on a
50th birthday party, and the women inside thought he was their STRIPPER.
TOM HANKS is once again America's favorite actor, according to the annual
Harris Poll.  It's his fifth time topping the poll.  He's followed by Johnny Depp,
Denzel Washington, John Wayne, and Harrison Ford. 
Which love us more - cats or dogs?

Friday, January 29, 2016

The cast for ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER's season of "Celebrity Apprentice"
will include Laila Ali, Boy George, Jon Lovitz, Vince Neil, Snooki, former NFL
running back Ricky Williams, and Carnie Wilson.
 A new survey found only one in five people would be insulted if their future
husband or wife asked them to sign a prenup.  60% would be happy to sign one,
and another 20% would consider it.
Mattel just released three new body styles for Barbie . . . tall, petite, and curvy.
 They say they added them to be more in line with the different kinds of girls
who buy their dolls . . . but they also need something to spark a big sales boost.
Did you know that those annoying'Be Like Bill' memes are stealing your personal

Thursday, January 28, 2016

DeLoreans are being made again for first time in 35 years!
A father in Texas was arrested back in 2013 for confiscating his 12-year-old
daughter's PHONE.  He was in court this week, and common sense prevailed
. . . the judge found him not guilty.
Police in Amsterdam heard terrifying screams coming from a man's house on
Tuesday, so they kicked in the door.  But it turns out the guy was an OPERA SINGER
, and he was just practicing.

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Actor Abe Vigoda is dead at 94. He died in his sleep in his New Jersey home,
of  old age.
 A guy in New Jersey was shoveling snow for an elderly neighbor on Sunday,
when another neighbor claimed it was HER shovel.  
  A 58-year-old guy in Michigan lost control of his car on Sunday, flipped over,
and died on the scene.  And the police figured out he was watching PORN at
the time . . . and, uh, 'attending' to himself.

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Two women attacked their husbands recently for turning down sex.  A woman
in Iowa scratched and bit her husband on Saturday night, and a woman in
South Carolina attacked her husband last week with NUNCHUKS.  
They were both arrested
Bud Light banner falls on home, FAA is investigating.
 A woman in Florida was busted last week for selling MOONSHINE to an
undercover cop.  She said she was just trying to bail her boyfriend out of jail
for drug charges.
A rich guy in New York married a woman who was 31 years younger, but wanted
to make sure she got SCREWED if she was just in it for the money.  So he
secretly DIVORCED her four months later.
Top billionaire could end poverty in 3 countries.

Monday, January 25, 2016

A 50-year-old guy in Pennsylvania got drunk on Thursday and put a SCREW
in his junk.  He called 911 and went to the hospital, but there's no word how
he's doing.
 Millions of Americans are drinking bad water!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE's latest role is as much of a departure from "Harry Potter"
as you can get.  The movie is called "Swiss Army Man", and Daniel plays a
DEAD GUY.  A dead guy who PASSES GAS and maintains AROUSAL.   Imagine
“Cast Away” meets “Weekend at Bernie’s.
A guy in Virginia has been running a SEX CLUB out of his
apartment . . . and he used the fake name "Ron Burgundy."  The cops raided
him last week, and he was charged with felony pandering.

Friday, January 22, 2016

Some thieves in Australia tried to siphon gas out of a bus last week.
 But they stuck the hose in the wrong place, and sucked out of the
SEWAGE TANK.  The cops are trying to track them down.
And for the past five, MARK HARMON and ELLEN DEGENERES have
been battling each other for the top spot.  Mark was #1 in 2011, then
Ellen edged him out the next three years, and now, Mark is back on top. 
 A woman in Ohio was on a date last week, when the guy ditched her and
left her with the bill.  But her PURSE was still in his car, so she couldn't pay.
That got the cops involved and they're trying to track him down.
A woman in Ohio was on a date last week, when the guy ditched her and lef
t her with the bill.  But her PURSE was still in his car, so she couldn't pay.  
That got the cops involved and they're trying to track him down.

Thursday, January 21, 2016

A 10-year-old Muslim boy made a truly unfortunate spelling error at his UK
school and ended up getting interviewed by police.
Two guys in Montana saw a dying elk on the highway on Saturday, and wanted
to take it home and EAT it.  But another guy came up and decided HE wanted it
. . . and pulled a gun.  So they called the cops, and he was arrested.
 A woman in Florida was being processed at jail earlier this month, and the
guards found prescription drugs in her lady parts.  She said she had no idea
how they got there, but the guards didn't buy it, and she was busted.
STACEY DASH said yesterday that if black people are upset about being left
out of the Oscars, they should stop segregating themselves with things like the
"BET Awards" and Black History Month.


Wednesday, January 20, 2016

A guy was snowboarding in Colorado this weekend, when a skier got offended by something he said . . . and pushed him off the CHAIR LIFT.  He fell 25 feet, but survived, and the cops are trying to track down the guy who pushed him.
JEFF BRIDGES' character "The Dude" went on an anti-EAGLES rant in
"The Big Lebowski", and GLENN FREY didn't like that.  A few years back,
Jeff said, quote, "I run into him at parties, and he'll always bust my chops
and make me squirm a little bit . . . my character that hated the Eagles,
not me."

SARAH PALIN endorsed DONALD TRUMP yesterday.  TED CRUZ tried to act
like it was no big deal, saying he's still a "big, big fan" of Sarah's, and noting that
she helped him win his Senate race.

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

A robbery suspect gave a pizza delivery person weed, after stealing cash and
A 60-year-old woman in Italy went to the fire department last week, because
she'd lost the key to her  chastity belt.
Glenn Frey of the Eagles passed away yesterday, of complications from
rheumatoid arthritis, acute ulcerative colitis, and pneumonia.  He was 67.

 Authorities in northeast Georgia have a mystery on their hands after cows
were found mutilated, with neatly-cut circles sliced into their rear ends.

Friday, January 15, 2016

A new study found you're least likely to get punched in the face in February,
and most likely in May and July.  They think it's because people go out more in
the summer, and having large, drunk groups of people in public leads to violence.
The Oscars only nominated white people in the four main acting categories for
the second year in a row.  So people are wondering how the Academy could
ignore Michael B. Jordan in "Creed", Idris Elba in "Beasts of No Nation", and
"Straight Outta Compton".
Enterprising Smugglers Hid Over A Ton Of Weed In Fake Carrots
A new survey found the five states with the most VIRGINS are Utah . . .
South Dakota . . . Idaho . . . Iowa . . . and Arkansas.  Vermont has the fewest.
CELINE DION's husband RENE ANGELIL died yesterday after a long battle
with throat cancer.  He was 73. 


Thursday, January 14, 2016

There were at least three winning Powerball tickets last night.  One was
sold in Chino Hills, California, outside Los Angeles, one was in Tennessee,
and one in Florida.
Employees caught doing hair in Waffle House kitchen.

A guy in Texas went to buy Powerball tickets on Monday night, and fell into
in a seven-foot HOLE. 
New facebook scam uses friends' profiles.
Apparently the hottest men's grooming trend for 2016 is looking like a SLOB. 

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Republican South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley was tapped to give the official
Republican response to the State of the Union.
President Obama urges nation not to fear future.
Luchador-style logo could've replaced a logo that critics say is an image that
is aggressive towards Native Americans. 
 If you're sick, your coworkers WANT you to stay home, even if it means more
work for them.
A woman in Florida was going through old photos on Friday, and saw one where
her fiancé had given the SAME engagement ring to an old girlfriend.
A guy tells two robbers to come back tomorrow . . . so they leave and get arrested.

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

A 23-year-old stripper in South Carolina assaulted a woman last year with
her stripper heel.  And she got arrested again on Sunday for trying to shoplift from
a Walmart. 
The Powerball jackpot is over a BILLION now, because no one's won since
November 4th.  But plenty of people have matched the five REGULAR numbers
without the getting the Powerball . . . which wins you a sweet $1 million.
David Bowie predicted the rise of musicstreaming services before anyone else.
A graphic about the Powerball jackpot was going around on Facebook yesterday.
 It said that if the $1.3 billion jackpot was divided among the 300 million people
in the U.S., we'd all get $4.33 million.  Quote, "Poverty solved!!"
A man with a lemon phobia killed a friend for showing him a lemon.
  A guy in Oregon shoplifted a python from a pet store on Friday. 

Monday, January 11, 2016

 A hunter in southeast Idaho bagged a cougar in late December that had
an extra set of teeth … growing out of the left side of its forehead.
 A guy in Michigan was grilling chicken a few years ago, and was pretty sure
a neighbor stole a piece.  So he stabbed the guy with a PITCHFORK.  He pleaded
guilty to assault, and was just sentenced to a year in jail. http://www.mlive.com/news/muskegon/index.ssf/2015/11/ludington_pitchfork-attack_sus.html   
ANGRUS SCRIMM, who played the Tall Man in the "Phantasm" movies, has
died at the age of 89.  He recently completed the fifth installment, and it's due
out this year.  Meanwhile, J.J. ABRAMS has announced plans to restore the
1979 original.  
 SEAN PENN conducted a secret interview in October with Mexican drug lord
"El Chapo".  It was posted on Saturday, but the day before that,
El Chapo was arrested.  Some are saying Penn helped lead authorities to El Chapo,
but others say he might be in trouble over the interview.
A guy in Michigan was grilling chicken a few years ago, and was pretty
sure a neighbor stole a piece.  So he stabbed the guy with a PITCHFORK.
 He pleaded guilty to assault, and was just sentenced to a year in jail.
You're 25 times more likely to become President of the United States
than win the Powerball.
David Bowie has died.
Just days after his 69th birthday and the release of his latest album,
Blackstar, David Bowie died Sunday after an “18-month battle with cancer.

Friday, January 8, 2016

Vietnam is being bombarded with space balls. 
A 25-year-old in Michigan proposed to his girlfriend over the loudspeaker
at a Walmart last Wednesday . . . then got arrested at a nearby Spencer's
for shoplifting some sex toys and an edible thong.
Here are the top five things that make dads angry.
Obama: I'm Not Out to 'Grab Your Guns'