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Our Junk

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

 There's a social media campaign to give Captain America a boyfriend . . . even
though he's already had a few female love interests.  Of course, a lot of people are
pointing out that he already DOES basically have a boyfriend:  Bucky Barnes.
 A new study found that for the first time ever, more young adults are living with their
parents than anywhere else.  32.1% of people between 18 and 34 now live back at home.
Amy Schumer can't be photographed in a bathing suit without the body shamers
coming out of the woodwork.
Gawker may have Just solved the mystery of  Donald Trump's hair. 
Original "Halloween" director JOHN CARPENTER is returning to the franchise to act
as a producer and creative consultant on a new installment.  
A guy in Oregon got high by doing nitrous on Monday night, then went to a grocery
store and pooped on the floor. 

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

 According to a new study, the average American kid now gets their first smart phone
when they're only TEN.
TOMMY CHONG was supposed to introduce BERNIE SANDERS at a rally in L.A. yesterday, but his invitation was pulled at the last minute.  Tommy called it an insult,
but he calmed down after the campaign told him there was a "scheduling conflict."

 EMINEM is selling off the bricks from his childhood home for $313 a pop.
The house was on the cover of "The Marshall Mathers LP" and its sequel.
According to a recent survey, the top five things married people secretly spend
money on are clothes, gambling, unhealthy food, adult entertainment, and cigarettes.

Monday, May 23, 2016

Detectives looking into the death of Prince have uncovered new details of his finals
hours. A first responder told detectives that he found a cold body. This paramedic
estimated that Prince died at least six hours earlier.
 A woman in West Virginia attacked her 15-year-old son earlier this month, because
he got her the wrong toppings on a Taco Bell burrito.
COURTENEY COX was signing autographs outside her hotel in London this weekend,
when a homeless man asked her to sign his sleeping bag.  She did . . . writing, quote,
"Hey Scott, all the best to you!  Love, Courteney Cox."

Friday, May 20, 2016

A reporter in Phoenix was out covering a story for a local news station on Monday
, and REALLY had to use the bathroom.   So . . . he pooped in someone's front yard,
and got arrested.
John Berry, an original member of hip-hop group the Beastie Boys, died Thursday
morning at 7:30 a.m. at a hospice in Danvers, Massachusetts. He was 52.
Egyptian Military found wreckage from an EgyptAir flight that crashed in the
Mediterranean with 66 people aboard.
A guy in Iowa thought he heard a ghost earlier this week . . .but it turned out to be
a naked man stuck in his chimney.
In a 2005 radio broadcast, DONALD TRUMP said he wanted to do a black vs.
white season of "The Apprentice".  But don't be too quick to attack Trump.  
Yeah, this sounds like kind of a dumb idea, but I should remind you that in 2006,
"Survivor" actually DID do this.

An argument over pies led to a fist fight between two women at a McDonalds
in Chester Sc. Chester police say  the two women were aguing over pies.
A Clover man was arrested Wednesday after investigators saw an online ad
offering marijuana.

Thursday, May 19, 2016

Guy goes to mexico to kill himself, spends week doing coke and banging hookers,
decides to keep living,
A couple recently got married in Saudi Arabia, but when the guy tried to consummate
the marriage, his new wife wouldn't stop TEXTING.  So he stormed out and immediately
filed for a divorce.
According to a new poll, the actor most women want to have shower sex with is
CHANNING TATUM, and the actress most guys want in there is JENNIFER LAWRENCE.
A new study found the best and worst cities to visit this summer, based on the cost of flights, the cost of hotels, and stuff to do.  Las Vegas is the best . . . and Bridgeport, Connecticut is the worst.
A 32-year-old guy in Michigan lives in his parents' basement, and was caught using
a fake $100 bill at a strip club last week.  The cops found his counterfeit printing setup
in the basement, and now he's looking at up to seven years in prison.
An 18-year-old kid in Michigan pretended to be an undercover cop at a Hooters last
week, so he could get the girls' info and try to become Facebook friends with them.
 Now he's looking at up to four years in prison for impersonating an officer.

Monday, May 16, 2016

 An Iranian government watchdog group has accused KIM KARDASHIAN of secretly
helping Instagram corrupt its women and children with her immoral and un-Islamic posts.
A 300-pound guy in Florida tried to run away after he shoplifted two steaks last week . . .
but he quickly ran out of breath. 
Chick-fil-A is in hot water again . . . this time with BEYONCÉ's fans.  One location
had a sign out front saying, quote, "Lemonade fresher than Beyoncé's."  And another
had this sign:  "Sorry Beyoncé, our lemonade is better!!"
A new study found the key to a good relationship is putting down your phone, and
doing two things instead . . . spending quality time face-to-face, and being
A chubby woman helped rob an art gallery in England this weekend, by hitting herself
in the HEAD with a plastic bottle.  And while the staff was distracted, her partner stole
two paintings.
The  video shows a Texas high school class jumping rope with cat intestines—but the school district says it was all part of a lesson plan that wasn't meant to be cruel to animals.


Tuesday, May 17, 2016

A female police chief in England was arguing with another female cop this weekend
about who had better BREASTS, and whipped hers out to PROVE it.  So she's been suspended.
A guy named Mike Webb is running for Congress in Virginia as an independent.
 And yesterday he posted a screenshot of his web browser on his Facebook page.
Transgender singer LAURA JANE GRACE from AGAINST ME! burned her birth
certificate during a show in North Carolina Sunday, to protest the state's law
requiring people to use the bathroom that corresponds with the gender on their birth certificate.
The National Park Service warning you to leave the bison alone. Because the
rangers at Yellowstone just had to EUTHANIZE the baby bison.
A website just found the most BORING states in America, based on things
like the percentage of the population that's over 65 or has kids.  And the top three
are Idaho, Utah, and Kansas.
A woman in North Carolina smashed through a train crossing about two weeks ago
. . . had to swerve to miss a train . . . and hit a tree.  And on Sunday she did it
AGAIN, at the same crossing.
According to a new survey, 80% of people think they're GREAT at taking photos.  
And the top three things we take pictures of are parties, our pets, and ourselves.

Monday, May 16, 2016

A blind' man was caught driving and committed disability fraud.
There's a guy in Georgia whose real name is Willie Nelson Waylon Jennings
Scarborough, and he ran out of gas last week.  But when the cops went to help him,
they found his METH, and arrested him.
Texas cat Scooter lived to the ripe old age of 30! 
Word the wise......free hugs are not free!
Doctor database is abused by users seeking opioids! 
 A woman followelled her GPS straight into the bay.
Tourists at Yellowstone put a baby bison in their car because they thought he was cold.

Friday, May 13, 2016

A guy in Colorado called 911 on Wednesday after a woman STABBED him.
He said it was because he refused to have sex with her, but so far the cops haven't
arrested her.
 A guy who wrote a book on the Kardashians says CAITLYN JENNER might
become a man again, because transitioning has been a lot harder than she thought.
 Ozzfest Meets Knotfest  goes down Saturday, September 24th and Sunday the
25th in San Bernardino, California.
There's a new shirt for sale called the 'Jerk Shirt.'  It comes with a fake arm so
you can use your REAL arm under the shirt to fondle yourself.

Thursday, May 12, 2016

A wife battered husband over the "Wrong" candy and flowers he gave her on
Mother's Day.  
It was actually created in 1973 or 1974 by then-student Betsy Soule at Churchill
High School in Eugene, Ore
A North Dakota woman says she was kicked out of a Garth Brooks concert before
the show started for using the men’s bathroom. Your thoughts?

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

A guy in South Carolina tried to get revenge on his ex last week by spray
painting "cheater" on her car.  But he spelled it "C-H-E-E-T-E-R" . . . and a cop
caught him.
PAUL STANLEY has apologized for GENE SIMMONS' controversial comments
about PRINCE's death.
A drunk guy in Connecticut needed to use his friend's bathroom last week, but
someone inside was taking too long.  So he fired his GUN through the door, almost
hit the person inside, and got arrested.
The  man who posted a video of dog doing Nazi salute  was arrested. He has since
issued an apology to the Jewish community after footage went viral.
A man's Domino's pizza addiction saved his life!

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Facebook has a team of young journalists who provide human oversight to the
company's news algorithm and help select which headlines qualify as "trending"
in the upper right corner of Facebook pages.
Half of your friends might not actually like you.
Donald Trump is less popular than lice and Nickelback, but more popular than
cockroaches and hemorrhoids.
A woman was arrested after a flight from Vegas to Portland on Sunday night,
because she FONDLED the woman sitting next to her.  She's been charged
with sex abuse. 
A guy in Florida accidentally shot himself in the arm on Thursday, but he didn't
realize it until he changed his shirt  . . . THREE days later.  He went to the hospital
and had to explain his story to the cops, but he's not facing any charges. 

Monday, May 9, 2016

OZZY and SHARON OSBOURNE have split up after almost 34 years of marriage.
An inmate in Ohio was busted last week for soaking his underwear in cleaning
solution, then HUFFING the fumes.  He was charged with abusing harmful
There have probably been billions of alien civilizations.
A company has been hired to test all the people claiming to be PRINCE's siblings
now that his estate is going to be divided.  And they've received almost 700 calls
from around the country.
China bans women from sexily eating bananas.
Why are more people harvesting dead men's sperm?

Friday!!! May 6, 2017

For Cinco de Mayo yesterday, DONALD TRUMP tried to pander to Mexicans
by posting a picture of himself eating a TACO BOWL.  But underneath the
bowl was a magazine, open to a picture of his ex-wife MARLA MAPLES in
a bikini.
KFC just released a nail polish in Hong Kong that tastes like FRIED CHICKEN.
 And yeah, it's edible, so you can lick your fingernails and enjoy some chicken.
They even made two flavors:  Original and hot and spicy.

Thursday, May 5, 2016

A drunk college student in Ohio was arrested for stealing a catering truck last
weekend, because she thought it was hers . . . even though she drives a car.
Alec called him a "paparazzi piece of trash," and told him to stay away from his
wife.  And when the guy tried to talk back to him, he screamed "Shut up!"  Pretty
typical stuff for him. 

Wednesday, May 3, 2016

 Paul McCartney, the Rolling Stones, the Who, Roger Waters from Pink Floyd,
Bob Dylan , and Neil Young will take over the site of the Coachella festival in Indio,
California on October 7th through the 9th.
  A new survey found 46% of parents have taken money out of their kids' piggy
TUPAC's mother Afeni Shakur Davis died on Monday.  She was 69.  There's word
that she suffered a heart attack, but there's no official cause of death.

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Guy follows woman into bathroom thinking she's a guy. 
STONE TEMPLE PILOTS are looking for a new singer, and even though
SCOTTSTAPP hinted that he was the guy in a recent interview, it isn't him.
 The band Tweeted, quote, "Despite recent comments, Scott Stapp is not, nor
has he ever been considered as [our] singer." 
It sounds like somebody got audio of AXL ROSE practicing with AC/DC for their
upcoming shows.  There are two, 30-second clips of Axl belting out "Shoot to
Thrill" and "Thunderstruck".


Monday, May 2, 2016

The first trailer for the new "Ghostbusters" movie is the most hated movie trailer on YouTube, with more than 609,000 dislikes. 
AMY SCHUMER almost gave up taking pictures with fans because of one pushy
guy in Greenville, South Carolina.  Amy posted a picture of the man on Instagram,
and explained what happened. 
A woman in North Carolina got upset last week when a restaurant gave her boneless
chicken wings instead of the regular wings she'd ordered.  So she pulled a GUN, and
got arrested for assault.
The annual White House Correspondents' Dinner went down in Washington on Saturday. 


Friday, April 29, 2016

Well it's hard to call this good news . . . but maybe we can call it a silver lining
for bad people?  A new study out of Binghamton University in New York found
that cheating on someone is GOOD for you . . . in a very selfish way.
A couple in Oregon noticed $200 was missing from their nightstand this weekend,
and when they looked at surveillance video, they saw a random WOMAN do it.
 And when the cops investigated, they figured out it was a PROSTITUTE . . .
that their 18-year-old SON had ordered.
  KIRK CAMERON says wives should, quote, "honor and respect and follow their
husband's lead, not to tell their husband how he ought to be a better husband."
 You know, the usual for him.
Vinnie's Pizzeria in Brooklyn, New York just invented a new way to deliver pizza.
EMMA THOMPSON came close to being sprayed with horse manure during an
anti-fracking protest.  Emma and other activists held a mock BAKE-OFF on land
that was approved for fracking.

Thursday, April 28, 2016

A couple is suing Snapchat, claiming that the social media app's "speed filter"
tempted a woman to drive too fast, causing a crash.

A guy in Australia was using a port-a-potty yesterday, when a venomous SPIDER
bit his junk.  So he drove himself to the hospital, and doctors were able to get him
the antidote.
A woman in Florida was busted earlier this month for attacking her boyfriend with his
two-foot Stormtrooper action figure.  She was arrested for battery.

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

A British butcher paid tribute to PRINCE by creating PURPLE SAUSAGES.  There's just
one problem . . . Prince was a vegan.  
A Burger King employee in Florida stole $20,000 worth of sausage and BISCUITS a few
weeks ago.  And he told the cops it was to pay off DRUG debts.
A guy in New York randomly punched a stranger on Saturday, because he looked like
SHIA LABEOUF.  The cops are trying to track him down.
Apparently our dogs actually HATE it when we hug them.  Researchers found over 80%
of dogs showed signs of being uncomfortable or stressed when their owners hugged them
. . . only 7.6% seemed to like it.
Audio of the 911 call KID ROCK made after he found his assistant dead hit the
web yesterday, and Kid goes BALLISTIC on the operator, screaming at her to
send an ambulance.  The assistant died in an ATV accident on Kid's Nashville
property earlier this week.

Tuesday, April 25, 2016

A couple got caught having sex in a public pool in Florida on Saturday . . . while
there were KIDS around.  So the guy got out, started chasing kids around, and tried
to HIT them.  He was arrested for assault and lewd and lascivious behavior.
Conspiracy nut ALEX JONES thinks the CIA funded BEYONCÉ'S "Lemonade"
album in order to start a race war. 
A guy in Florida met a woman for a date this weekend, but her two male friends
pulled guns, made him strip naked, and stole his car and his clothes.  Except the
cops tracked them down using his Find My iPhone app.
PRINCE died without a will, so his siblings would be in line to inherit his fortune.  He
has a sister Tyka, and five half-siblings who'd also be entitled to a share.  Different
reports put his total net worth between $150 and $300 million.

Friday, April 1, 2016

We're forgetting a lot of basic stuff because we can always just look it up
on our phones . . . and that might be a good thing.  
A guy in Sweden was upset earlier this week when a woman didn't want to
have sex with him after a date . . . so he passed gas in her apartment and left.
 She called the COPS over the "revenge fart," but as far as we know, the guy
was NOT arrested.