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Our Junk
A 22-year-old guy in South Carolina was busted last week at an adult store . . . when an employee caught him trying to steal some pocket-sized artificial LADY PARTS.  He's facing a shoplifting charge.http://www.thesmokinggun.com/buster/man-arrested-stealing-pocket-sex-toy-784532
In your lifetime, you'll go through 175 pairs of jeans . . . 310 pairs of shoes . . . 86,000 cups of coffee . . . 1.3 million sheets of toilet paper . . . just under 40,000 gallons of gas . . . and 2.9 million gallons of water.http://www.buzzfeed.com/mikerose/how-much-stuff-youll-use-in-your-life#41bg3zo
A Walmart in Mexico is being investigated right now for allegedly hosting a promotional COCKFIGHT earlier this week.  They could be facing a fine of up to $7,240 . . . but they say it wasn't a REAL cockfight since no one was gambling on it and the roosters weren't wearing blades.http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2014-09-17/wal-mart-mexico-unit-probed-on-complaints-of-cockfight.html
An 18-year-old in Idaho was driving on Sunday morning with three friends, when one of them thought it'd be funny to light his ARMPIT HAIR on fire WHILE he was behind the wheel.  He lost control and rolled the SUV.  Two people were thrown from it, and no one inside was wearing seatbelts . . . but they all survived without any serious injuries.http://www.ktvb.com/story/news/local/2014/09/17/hair-fire-crash/15794857/
A married couple in Michigan invited a HOMELESS GUY to have a THREESOME with them on Friday . . . but the husband got upset when his wife had some one-on-one action with him on the sidelines.  The homeless guy tried to smooth things over by making burgers, but the husband ended up BRAWLING with him.  Now the husband is facing up to 10 years in prison for felony assault.http://gawker.com/post-threesome-hamburger-meat-taste-test-leads-to-bathr-1635823974
A 31-year-old guy in South Carolina was at a strip club on Monday, and a stripper named CHOCOLATE CHAMBERS asked him to buy her an expensive drink.  When he didn't, she knocked him out and stole his Crown Royal bag full of cash.  The police are trying to track Chocolate down.http://www.thesmokinggun.com/buster/man-robbed-by-stripper-Chocolate-Chambers-687432
An 18-year-old employee at a pizza place in Texas was mad when a customer called in an order right before closing time a few weeks ago . . . so he RUBBED HIS JUNK on the pizza.  But the customer SAW him do it, and confronted him.  The guy was fired and was arrested for felony tampering.http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/teen-worker-rubbed-his-testicles-on-takeout-pizza-576432
CNN says JOAN RIVERS' doctor snapped a selfie with her while she was under anesthesia, right before he performed the biopsy on her vocal cords that killed her.http://www.cnn.com/2014/09/16/showbiz/joan-rivers-clinic/index.html?hpt=hp_t2
  Police in Florida got a 911 call on Sunday from a guy who heard his neighbors ATTACKING each other.  When a cop got there, it turned out they were just having rough sex on the living room floor.  The neighbor heard them because they didn't have air conditioning and left their windows open.  No one was arrested.http://www.thesmokinggun.com/buster/noisy-couple-in-romantic-situation-687432
  Police in Florida got a 911 call on Sunday from a guy who heard his neighbors ATTACKING each other.  When a cop got there, it turned out they were just having rough sex on the living room floor.  The neighbor heard them because they didn't have air conditioning and left their windows open.  No one was arrested.http://www.usatoday.com/story/money/2014/09/15/surge-available-on-amazon/15665317/
A 26-year-old woman in Seattle broke into a guy's house last June, pinned him down . . . and started having sex with him while he was asleep.  He woke up and found her on top of him . . . and even though she was 240 pounds, he managed to squirm out from under her.  She was arrested for sexual assault.http://thesmokinggun.com/documents/crime/seattle-woman-charged-with-rape-768901 
Apparently, grandmas around the world keep accidentally tagging themselves on Facebook as Grandmaster Flash.  It's because when you type on Facebook, it suggests people's names you might be trying to tag . . . so when you type "Grandma," it suggests "Grandmaster Flash."http://grampaandgrandmasterflash.tumblr.com/
There's a new survey on all the RUDE things we do.  62% of us have peed in the shower . . . 42% pick our noses . . . 36% pass gas around other people . . . 35% talk during movies . . . and 5% cut our fingernails or toenails in a public place.http://chicago.cbslocal.com/2014/09/11/look-to-your-left-look-right-one-of-them-probably-picks-their-nose/
 A 31-year-old from California is raising awareness for testicular cancer . . . by pushing a six-foot-tall TESTICLE across the country.  He started last week, and says his goal is to encourage more guys to get tested, because if you catch it early, there's a 96% survival rate.http://www.ksbw.com/news/salinas-man-travels-cross-country-with-inflatable-testicle/27947630
A new survey found there's a surprising amount of neighbor-on-neighbor hooking up . . . even for married people.  One in 10 people say they've kissed, dated, or had SEX with a neighbor at some point in their lives.  And one in 20 people say they're having an AFFAIR with a neighbor RIGHT NOWhttp://metro.co.uk/2014/09/09/one-in-20-people-are-having-an-affair-with-a-neighbour-4861807/
A 35-year-old woman in Florida was mad at her boyfriend for texting on Sunday, so she set him on FIRE.  He was airlifted to the hospital, and she told the cops they were doing the "fire challenge" . . . a stupid viral video thing where you light yourself on fire.  But he told the cops the truth, and she was arrested.http://www.thesmokinggun.com/buster/woman-set-boyfriend-on-fire-claims-fire-challenge-675432
Two coworkers in Maryland were eating lunch together last week, and one of them accused the other of eating one of his MEATBALLS.  The fight escalated . . . and the guy wound up STABBING his coworker in the arm.  There's a warrant out for him now.http://www.baltimoresun.com/news/maryland/harford/fallston-joppa/ph-ag-meatball-stabbing-0910-20140905,0,435069.story
A 45-year-old guy in Missouri had to report to jail on Monday for drug charges.  And when the cops were booking him, they decided to do a strip search . . . and found meth in his sock, and a glass meth pipe hidden in one of his STOMACH FAT ROLLS.  He got hit with two extra felony charges.http://www.thesmokinggun.com/buster/methamphetamine/glass-meth-pipe-in-fat-roll-546091
Joan Rivers, who died on Thursday at 81, joked in her 2012 bestseller “I Hate Everyone… Starting With Me” about what she wanted at her funeral.http://www.gossipcop.com/joan-rivers-funeral-jokes-requests/
ATennessee family says one performer crossed the line at the Delta Fair in Memphis, throwing out racial epithets to rile them up.http://www.newser.com/story/193370/clown-canned-for-shouting-insults-at-black-family.html
 A woman was jogging in Pennsylvania on Tuesday when a 19-year-old guy grabbed her and pulled down her shorts . . . then took off.  But he didn't realize she was a U.S. MARSHAL . . . who then chased him down and beat him up.  He was arrested for aggravated and indecent assault.http://www.post-gazette.com/local/city/2014/09/03/U-S-deputy-marshal/stories/201409030177
 A fantastic new survey found THREE out of FOUR women say they prefer a guy with a BIG BELLY and love handles than a guy with six-pack abs.  Women say guys with abs have worse personalities . . . and they can't relax and have fun.http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2741786/Good-news-guys-Over-75-women-prefer-FLAB-abs-Sex-therapist-Tracey-Cox-explains-women-DON-T-want-chiselled-perfection-bed.html
A 25-year-old woman in Utah stole a ring from a jewelry store over the weekend, and SWALLOWED it.  Now she's in jail and the cops are waiting for it to work its way out . . . but they say they aren't paid enough to dig for it themselves.  So the woman has to dig through her own poop until it turns up.  She's facing a felony theft charge.http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/utah-woman-jailed-ordered-search-feces-stolen-ring-police-article-1.1924904 
A 23-year-old woman and her 20-year-old boyfriend were at a Walmart in Ohio in the middle of the night last week . . . and stole four SEX TOYS worth about $30.52.  They were vibrating rings made by Trojan and Lifestyles.  Both of them are facing theft charges.
A coffee shop in Washington called Java Juggs had sexy female baristas wearing very little clothing, serving $6 cups of coffee . . . and apparently, offering more on the side.  Turns out they were all secretly HOOKERS.  The owner was just charged with promoting prostitution and money laundering.http://gawker.com/police-say-restaurant-called-java-juggs-also-had-sex-1629153317
  A woman in Colorado was driving to a meeting last week, looked down to text that she'd be late, and crashed into a guardrail.  Somehow it went through the front of her car, through her thigh . . . and impaled her BUTT.  She needed emergency surgery, but she survived.http://www.9news.com/story/news/local/2014/08/31/texting-while-driving-pole-impales-buttocks-thighs/14 
The very first Denny's in Manhattan opened over the weekend, and it's got a $300 Grand Slam breakfast.  You get two standard Grand Slam breakfasts of eggs, pancakes, sausage, and bacon . . . but it also comes with a bottle of 2004 Dom Perignon Premier Cru champagne.  Denny's says that's a bargain . . . other restaurants in New York sell the same bottle for at least $400.http://www.nydailynews.com/life-style/eats/nyc-denny-offers-dom-perignon-article-1.1920117
According to a new study, short guys have a significantly lower rate of divorce than tall guys, and are more likely to make more money than their wives.  Tall guys get married at a younger age, and are more likely to do housework.http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2736144/Tall-men-married-quickly-want-relationship-marry-short-man-say-researchers.html
 A new list ranked 366 U.S. cities from most American to least American . . . based on how their demographics, income, and housing compare to the entire country.  The most American city is Nashville, Tennessee . . . and the LEAST American is McAllen, Texas, which is at the very southern tip of Texas.http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation-now/2014/08/28/most-american-united-states-city/14724045/
A 29-year-old stripper in Florida was working on Wednesday when her 10-year-old daughter disappeared from a family barbecue.  So the cops called the strip club to try to get some info.  But she HUNG UP on them, because she had to get on stage.  The cops eventually found her daughter, and she was arrested for obstruction.http://www.thesmokinggun.com/buster/stripper-hangs-up-on-cop-576432
 A 37-year-old guy in Italy was sentenced to 11 months in jail for some minor crimes and the judge let him serve it at home.  But after less than three months, he's asked to go to JAIL . . . to get away from constantly fighting with his wife.http://www.thelocal.it/20140827/rome-man-begs-for-jail-to-escape-wife
A 22-year-old babysitter in Florida was at a barbecue with a 32-year-old dad she works for, and wanted to have sex with him.  When he kept turning her down, she STABBED him in the NECK.  He survived and only needed a few stitches . . . she was arrested and charged with felony battery.http://www.thesmokinggun.com/buster/woman-denied-sex-stabs-man-687432
A 40-year-old guy in Florida wanted to marry his girlfriend, so on Monday he asked her 72-year-old father for permission.  The dad said NO . . . and the guy responded by BEATING him up.  He was arrested for felony domestic battery on a person over 65.http://www.ocala.com/article/20140826/ARTICLES/140829765/1455?Title=MCSO-Man-72-beaten-after-refusing-permission-for-marriage&tc=ar
A 52-year-old homeless guy in Northern Ireland found a mattress in the garage of an old folks' home on Saturday . . . and decided to watch porn on his portable DVD player while he HUMPED it.  But the DVD was too loud, and someone called the cops.  He was charged with outraging public decency and committing a lewd act.http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-news/man-court-accused-having-sex-4105180
A 27-year-old guy from France was on an American Airlines flight on Sunday from Paris to Dallas, Texas . . . but he got kicked off before takeoff because he SMELLED BAD.  Now he's filed a complaint for discrimination.http://www.thelocal.fr/20140826/parisian-thrown-off-plane-over-body-odour
A 22-year-old in Illinois told his 55-year-old dad he was dropping out of college on Sunday.  And his dad responded by putting a GUN to his head, and telling him to reconsider.  He was arrested for aggravated assault and use of a deadly weapon.
On Sunday, two guys in Australia beat up a complete stranger after he refused to buy weed from them.  Then they ran off, and wrapped their shirts around their heads to disguise themselves.  But one of them forgot his NAME was tattooed across his back.  Police eventually found them at a nearby bar.http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2733450/Tatts-not-bright-Man-allegedly-took-vicious-attack-tracked-police-ran-shirtless-revealing-tattooed-back.html
A 20-year-old guy in Nebraska wanted for a parole violation was arrested on Friday . . . after he posted a video on Facebook taking the Ice Bucket Challenge.  Someone recognized the house in the video and tipped off the police.http://www.omaha.com/news/crime/ice-bucket-challenge-video-leads-officers-to-wanted-omaha-man/article_497430f6-0a22-5162-a116-4ccdd0ce640b.html




A man in Munich, Germany was evicted from his apartment because he'd installed a SEX SWING in his place . . . and his neighbors kept complaining about, quote, "sexual, athletic, and squeaking noises."  Eventually his landlord evicted him, and a court just decided it was legal.http://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/aug/22/german-sex-swing-evicted-noises-munich
Believe it or not, you can now buy an Ice Bucket Challenge Halloween costume . . . it's just a blue bucket with a sheet of plastic coming out, with fake ice cubes attached.  They're selling it for $40, plus at least $10 for shipping and handling . . . and the company says they'll donate $10 to ALS for every costume they sell.http://www.brandsonsale.com/halloween-costume-2015.html
 A 23-year-old woman in Oregon started a FOREST FIRE last summer . . . because her firefighter friends were BORED.  The fire ended up burning 51,000 acres, and investigators traced it back to her.  She's looking at up to five years in prison, and somehow she'll have to pay back the $7.9 million it cost to fight the fire.http://www.ktvz.com/news/warm-springs-woman-admits-sparking-51000acre-wildfire/27685314
A 57-year-old babysitter in Texas has been watching two girls and found them, quote, "very disrespectful."  So when the family was out earlier this month, she broke into the house and SET IT ON FIRE.  No one was hurt, but there was a lot of damage.  She's been arrested for arson.http://abcnews.go.com/US/texas-babysitter-accused-setting-fire-familys-home/story?id=25095886
The pumpkin spice products are coming.  It looks like the newest limited edition Oreo flavor is Pumpkin Spice Oreos.  They should go on sale soon, probably at either Target or Walmart.http://consumerist.com/2014/08/18/pumpkin-spice-oreos-this-could-really-be-happening/
  A 23-year-old guy in Connecticut was a few weeks away from marrying his long-distance fiancée in England . . . when she got a call saying he'd KILLED himself.  She called his family to talk, and it turned out he'd actually FAKED his death just to get out of the wedding.http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2727808/Bride-left-devastated-fianc-FAKED-HIS-OWN-DEATH-dream-wedding.html
A 13 year old girl was arrested for drunk driving.

Wednesday,july 23, 2014

A 47-year-old guy in Virginia left his one-year-old twin daughters in a hot car last week . . . so he could have sex with a woman behind a building.  Someone saw the girls and called the cops . . . they arrested the guy for felony child endangerment.http://www.pennlive.com/nation-world/2014/07/dad_allegedly_leaves_1-year-ol.html
There's a neighborhood in Oregon that's being TERRORIZED right now . . . by someone vandalizing cars with PASTRIES.  One time they smeared a maple bar on a car . . . another time they left donuts on a car's windshield . . . and they've hit at least a dozen cars total.  The cops have added extra patrols to try to catch them.http://www.oregonlive.com/hillsboro/index.ssf/2014/07/doughnut_caper_strikes_hillsbo.html#incart_river

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Toyota just announced a new option in their 2015 Sienna minivan.  You can get an optional MICROPHONE in the driver's seat that amplifies your voice through the speakers in the backseat . . . to make it easier to yell at your kids.http://abcnews.go.com/Business/wireStory/toyota-minivan-makes-easier-yell-kids-24624844
CARLOS "SLIM" HELU is the second-richest person in the world . . . he's a Mexican businessman worth $80.3 billion.  And he says the future of work is a THREE-DAY work week with a four-day weekend.  The catch is you'd work 11-hour days and only retire when you're 70 or 75.http://www.slate.com/blogs/the_slatest/2014/07/19/billionaire_carlos_slim_backs_three_day_work_week.html

A county jail in Michigan is going back to those old-fashioned black-and-white striped jumpsuits . . . because "Orange Is the New Black" made the orange ones seem cool.  The sheriff is afraid non-inmates are wearing orange jumpsuits now, so when inmates do work in public, it's easier for them to blend in and escape.http://www.mlive.com/news/saginaw/index.ssf/2014/07/black_and_white_is_the_new_ora.html#incart_river
A 44-year-old Asian woman tried to shoplift from a Macy's in California a few weeks ago, but a security guard grabbed her.  And as she fought to get away, somehow her SHIRT and BRA came off.  So she ran away TOPLESS.  But she left her purse behind with her driver's license in it, so now the police are tracking her down.http://losangeles.cbslocal.com/2014/07/21/police-mall-theft-suspect-flees-store-topless-after-hitting-officer/
A 59-year-old cop in Indiana has been letting his adult son live with him, along with his son's girlfriend.  And he was arrested earlier this month after they set up a hidden camera . . . and caught him sniffing her UNDERWEAR then stealing it.http://www.elkharttruth.com/news/crime-fire-courts/2014/07/17/Millersburg-town-marshal-David-Hathaway-faces-charges-for-stealing-underwear-from-son-s-girlfriend.html