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Friday!!!! February 27, 2015

Net neutrality wins, for now: The FCC today decided to regulate the Internet as if it were a public utility.http://www.newser.com/story/203277/fcc-internet-is-a-public-utility.htm
A 30-year-old guy in Russia met a blonde woman at a bar and went to a sauna with her to make out.  But she drugged him . . . and when he woke up, she'd surgically removed his TESTES.  The cops think she was working with a gang to sell them on the black market.

A Christian Singer Let "Fifty Shades of Grey" Use His Song Because He Thought it Was a Romantic Comedy

 Police in Oregon got a call on Tuesday from someone whose HOUSE was stolen.  It wasn't a mobile home or anything . . . it was a real, 1,200-square-foot house that someone managed to move.  The cops finally tracked down the missing house on Thursday . . . and now they're trying to figure out who stole it.
Pornhub.com is creating a new device that lets you charge your gadgets by PLEASURING YOURSELF.  It goes on your wrist, stores the energy, then you plug in a USB cord and charge your phone or iPad.  There's no word when it goes on sale or how much it'll cost.

Thursday, February 26, 2015

A woman in Pennsylvania drove drunk with her young son on Monday night . . . to an ORGY.  Then she took her kid inside and started getting undressed.  Another person at the orgy was upset and called the cops, and the woman was arrested on a ton of charges, including DUI, child endangerment, and indecent exposure.
A woman in Florida passed out in her car Monday night with one breast exposed, and cocaine, marijuana, amphetamines, and a bunch of painkillers on her.  When a cop found her, she said she needed them for back pain . . . because she's a STRIPPER.  She was arrested for six different counts of possession
Irony alert: A guy who ran a website that trafficked in revenge porn and encouraged men to post unauthorized photos of exes is now asking Google to protect his privacy
There's a couple in Alaska who turned a crabbing boat into a FLOATING STRIP CLUB.  And they're in serious legal trouble . . . but not for the stripping.  They dumped FECES from their BATHROOM into the harbor.  They could be facing six years in prison for improper waste disposal and making false statements.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Waffle House just teamed up with a new app called Roadie, to branch out into the package delivery business.  Roadie is sort of like Uber for shipping . . . anyone with a car can make extra cash by delivering packages.
A new Easy Bake Oven-style toy is going on sale this fall that lets kids bake their own Girl Scout cookies.  It'll cost $59.99, and your kid can bake Thin Mints, Trefoils, and others cookies using the power of just a special light bulb.
Rolling Stone" asked DANNY DEVITO if he'd do a line of coke if someone put one on the table for him.  And he said, quote, "Why not? . . . I wouldn't make a habit of it.  But it's so beautiful.  It's so wonderful that you don't want to pass it up."
A house in London burned down this weekend . . . all because of a jar of Nutella.  It was sitting on a windowsill, and sunlight hit it at the perfect angle to start a fire.  Fortunately the family that lives there was out . . . but their dog died in the fire.
 A new study found the Tooth Fairy left an average of $4.36 for a tooth last year.  That's up 25% from 2013.  And in New York, the Tooth Fairy left an average of $13.25.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

A 24-year-old guy drank some Bud Light at a bar in Florida last week, then tried to pay his $10 tab with a ROCK.  When the bartender wouldn't accept it, he ran out, grabbed a briefcase, and implied it was a BOMB.  He was arrested for bomb threats, hoax weapons of mass destruction, and theft.
A new survey found 69% of us would turn down a free trip to SPACE.  The survey didn't ask people WHY, so we don't know if it's because of fear or just a general lack of interest.http://www.monmouth.edu/assets/0/32212254770/32212254991/32212254992/32212254994/32212254995/30064771087/45d0c513-5c40-41ce-a63d-6a41cd4a75c6.pdf
 A cop in South Dakota posed as an underage girl last year, to bust a predator.  And when the guy asked for a nude photo, the cop took a photo of his bent ARM so it kinda looked like lady parts.  The guy responded with his OWN nude photo . . . and was arrested.
 The average person says they'd need at least $125,000 a year to "live the dream" . . . but only work 27 hours a week.  And our top five goals in life are to make more money . . . travel the world . . . be healthier in general . . . lose weight . . . and fall in love.

Monday, February 23, 2015

A  33-year-old woman in Mexico was arrested last week for PLEASURING HERSELF in a movie theater during "50 Shades of Grey".  Someone called the cops and she was escorted out of the theater . . . in handcuffs, ironically.
A guy in England was chatting online with a friend who's gay last year, and the guy sent him a NUDE PHOTO as a joke.  But his girlfriend FLIPPED OUT.  She started screaming that he was gay, punched him in the face, and hit him with a paper towel holder.  She just pled guilty to assault and got community service.http://www.pendletoday.co.uk/news/local/penis-picture-provoked-assault-1-7117053 
A couple in Oklahoma got into a fight last week about whether the woman had gotten too NEEDY.  And that night, after the guy fell asleep, the woman tried to BITE OFF HIS JUNK.  He wound up needing about four or five stitches, and she was arrested for assault.

Friday!!!! February 20, 2015

A guy in India was supposed to marry his girlfriend recently, but had a SEIZURE in the middle of the ceremony.  And the bride was so angry that he'd never told her he was epileptic . . . she married one of the GUESTS instead.
Remember the woman in Florida who claimed she had a THIRD BREAST?  We all knew it was a hoax when she filled out a lost luggage report and said she'd lost a three-breast prosthesis.  But now she swears her third breast is REAL.

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

A UK Krispy Kreme was determined to show kids on winter break a good time, so it promoted on Facebook a weeklong roster of activities that included Funday Monday, Colouring Tuesday, and … KKK Wednesday.
A guy in Pennsylvania decided to thaw the frozen pipes in his mobile home with a BLOWTORCH on Monday, and accidentally set his trailer on fire.  Fortunately no one was hurt, but the trailer was a total loss
A landlord in Pennsylvania wanted a cigarette Monday morning, and asked a tenant if he could have one.  The tenant said no . . . they got into a long argument . . . ANOTHER tenant got involved . . . and the landlord shot him in the BUTT.  He was arrested.
A guy was questioned by cops in Oregon last month in a sexual abuse case, and claimed they gave him two black eyes.  But a security camera showed that he'd punched HIMSELF.  He just got 20 days in jail for a false report and attempted coercion.
 Biden Provides 2 More Classic Bidenisms
Another grisly, if unconfirmed, report about the Islamic State
A woman in Florida shoplifted a $15 necklace from Walmart on Sunday afternoon . . . then took a NAP in the bathroom.  http://www.theledger.com/article/20150215/NEWS/150219492/1410?Title=Security-Awakens-Sleeping-Woman-Charges-Her-With-Theft&tc=ar
AFROMAN was performing in Biloxi, Mississippi last night, when a woman jumped up onstage.  She just seemed to be dancing around, but Afroman wasn't having it.  He turned around and PUNCHED HER IN THE HEAD.

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

A woman in South Carolina wanted to have some late night sex with her boyfriend on Valentine's Day, so she crawled on top to wake him up.  But he wasn't having it . . . so she pulled a GUN.  She was arrested for domestic violence.
Two guys in New Jersey tried to cover up a drunk driving accident on Friday night by pouring WATER on the road . . . so it would get ICY.  But a cop caught them in the act and they were arrested.

Monday, February 16, 2015

A Drunk Driver Runs Away From an Accident . . . But Leaves His Prosthetic Arm Behind.
A Guy Wins $1,200 at a Casino and Takes a Woman Home . . . Where Her Friends Rob Him

Thursday, February 12, 2015

 Why Did Taylor Swift Buy a Domain Name About Oral Sex?
The number of Americans heading to the emergency room for SEX TOY-RELATED INJURIES has DOUBLED since 2007.  And 83 of those injuries required FOREIGN BODY REMOVALS.
Cops Busted a Guy Fleeing Assault Charges Because He Took a Selfie on a Greyhound Bushttp://triCops Busted a Guy Fleeing Assault Charges Because He Took a Selfie on a Greyhound Busblive.com/news/adminpage/77
YOGA PANTS: GOP Lawmaker Wants to Ban Them http://www.msnbc.com/msnbc/gop-lawmaker-wants-ban-yoga-pants-all-nipple-exposure
A Drunk Couple Hopped in a Dumpster to Sleep . . . And Almost Got Crushed By a Garbage Truckhttp://thesmokinggun.com/buster/drunk/garbage-truck-couple-864219

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Robots Will Staff New Hotel in Japan.
A 52-year-old woman in South Korea took a nap on her floor this weekend . . . and her Roomba vacuum cleaner ATTACKED her.  It started sucking her hair and wouldn't let go . . . so she called for help and a team of firefighters and paramedics rushed over to rescue her.
A new survey found you're more likely to get dumped TODAY than any other day of the year.  22% of people have dumped someone on February 10th . . . exactly four days before Valentine's Day.http://www.cnbc.com/id/102404303 http://www.prnewswire.com/news-releases/is-valentines-day-too-commercial-yes-but-its-not-what-we-want-300032478.html
An 82-year-old woman in Georgia was busted a few weeks ago for shoplifting a bottle of "Sexiest Fantasies" body spray from CVS.  The spray says it's, quote, "as addictive and seductive as the woman who wears it" . . . the woman is facing a larceny charge.
Did Charles Manson's "Girlfriend" Just Want to Marry Him for His Corpse?http://www.independent.co.uk/news/people/charles-manson-wedding-off-after-it-emerges-that-girlfriend-afton-elaine-burton-just-wanted-his-corpse-for-display-10034793.html
A new survey found almost one in four women has said "NO" to a marriage proposal at some point in their life.  The top three reasons are:  I wasn't sure he was "the One" . . . it just didn't feel right . . . and I don't want to get married.
BRIAN WILLIAMS is stepping away from the "NBC Nightly News", after he admitted to embellishing his account of a 2003 helicopter mission over Iraq.  Brian says he's going to take off "the next several days," and Lester Holt will replace him.  He also canceled an upcoming guest spot on "Letterman".
Three women in lingerie showed up at a prison in Brazil last Wednesday night, and wanted to have an orgy with the guards.  Shockingly, it was a SETUP.  One of the women had a boyfriend inside, so they drugged the guards . . . set up a prison break . . . 28 inmates escaped . . . and the guards were arrested.
A 48-year-old woman in New York was FURIOUS when her 15-year-old daughter failed a state exam last week.  So she called and said she was going to blow up the school.  She was arrested on Thursday for aggravated harassment.
A new study looked at the most common job in all 50 states . . . and in 29 of them it's TRUCK DRIVER.  It's because it's one of the few jobs that can't be replaced by outsourcing or technology.http://www.npr.org/blogs/money/2015/02/05/382664837/map-the-most-common-job-in-every-state

Friday, February 6, 2015

 A 44-year-old guy in Ohio had a meltdown on Saturday, after his pet PIG ate all of his WEED.  He drank a bottle of 190-proof grain alcohol and threatened to hurt himself.  So his wife called the cops . . . he fought with them . . . and was arrested for disorderly conduct and resisting arrest.
Doctor: Mom's Prayer Restarted Dead Boy's Heart

Thursday, February 5, 2015

There's a barber in Georgia who helps parents punish their kids if they've been misbehaving . . . by giving them a haircut that makes them look like a BALDING OLD MAN.  And he'll do it for free.
Here are the latest tabloid rumors about BRUCE JENNER's alleged "transformation":  First, he supposedly wants to be called BELINDA . . . because "Inside, he has always been Belinda."  Second, KIM KARDASHIAN knew about Bruce's secret first, because she caught him stealing her "expensive French lingerie."
The Cover of the "Sports Illustrated" Swimsuit Issue is Close to Full Frontal . . . and the First Plus Size Model Appearshttp://www.newser.com/story/202250/in-sports-illustrated-plus-size-model-in-tiny-bikini.html%20LEMME%20KNOW%20AHEAD%20OF%20TIME%20WHEN%20YOU'RE%20GONNA%20DO%20THIS%20STORY%20SO%20I%20CAN%20POST%20IT%20ON%20FACEBOOK

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Portland Strippers Fight for Their Rights
A 29-year-old woman in Florida was pulled over Sunday morning for illegally tinted windows.  So she hid a bag of COCAINE up her shirt.  But as the cop was talking to her, an 11-month-old baby in the car reached over and pulled out the drugs.  She was arrested on several charges
80 Monopoly Sets Made With Real Money Inside
  A 30-year-old guy in Florida trapped and killed five small alligators on Sunday, so he could serve FRESH GATOR at his Super Bowl party.  But the cops showed up and arrested him for illegal possession and taking of alligators.

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Three men have been arrested in the stabbing and mutilation of a llama in Union County.   http://www.wyff4.com/news/Llama-stabbed-mutilated-as-she-tried-to-protect-herd-owner-says/31048174
A Trucker Caused a Massive Crash Because He Was Pulling Out a Loose Tooth
 There's a new teddy bear that's actually a vibrating LOVE TOY.  Its nose and mouth vibrate at ten different speeds, and it's on sale for $75 now through Valentine's Day at TeddyLove.net. http://teddylove.net/products/teddy-love 
Fifty Shades Movie Fuels Sex-Toy Surge http://www.newser.com/story/202110/fifty-shades-movie-fuels-sex-toy-surge.html
 Chris Kyle Not World's Deadliest Sniper
For some reason, a guy in Pennsylvania flushed a bunch of potatoes down the toilet in his apartment on Sunday morning.  Naturally the toilet got clogged, so he called maintenance.  When they didn't respond, he pulled the FIRE ALARM.  So the police came . . . figured out what was going on . . . and arrested him.

Monday, February 2, 2015

A 29-year-old guy in Romania put an ad in the paper offering to sell his VIRGINITY for $1,000.  And in a few weeks, he's received . . . zero bids.  He says, quote, "I forgot to specify male or female in the ad, and I didn't even get any gay takers."
 A burglar in Minnesota broke into a liquor store early Wednesday . . . ignored all the expensive alcohol . . . and just stole three 18-packs of Keystone Light.  The cops are trying to track him down. 
A 29-year-old guy in Massachusetts shoveled out two parking spaces on his street last week after the blizzard . . . but two other people parked in them before he could use them.  So he flipped out . . . and SHOT the two cars in the spots.  He was arrested on several gun charges.http://abcnews.go.com/US/man-shoots-cars-parked-shoveled-spaces-blizzard-cops/story?id=28627820
Will Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch Become a Camp for Victims of Child Molestation?http://pagesix.com/2015/02/01/bidder-wants-to-turn-neverland-ranch-into-a-sex-assault-rehab/?_ga=1.248019719.1257705275.1422032134