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Our Junk

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Fast food rage is not a victimless crime.  30-year-old Shaneka Monique Torres of Grand Rapids, Michigan went through a McDonald's drive-thru in February last year, and ordered a bacon cheeseburger . . . but they forgot her bacon.http://www.mlive.com/news/grand-rapids/index.ssf/2015/03/no_bacon_on_burger_shooter_fou.html
22-year-old Carolynn Wright is a stripper at a club called Chez Joey in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina . . . and back in November, she made the news after she WEAPONIZED her stripper heels.http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/crime/stiletto-attack-guilty-plea-908734 

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

A guy in Florida was stalking two women on Sunday night, so they drove to the only safe place they could think of . . . a police station.  And he FOLLOWED them.  So the cops got him out of his car, found his zipper and belt were undone, and arrested him for stalking.

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

An employee at a miniature golf course in Florida saw, quote, "a hot man" walk in on Saturday night, and wanted to get a look at the guy naked.  So he planted his phone in the bathroom with the camera recording.  But someone else saw it and called the cops.  He was arrested for felony video voyeurism and fired.http://www.thesmokinggun.com/buster/florida/mini-golf-video-voyeur-908732
Americans Poop $4 Billion Worth of Gold a Year? http://motherboard.vice.com/read/scientists-want-to-mine-our-poop-for-gold
DAVID CROSBY was driving on a rural road in Santa Ynez, California on Sunday, when he accidentally struck a 46-year-old man who was jogging with his son on the side of the road. 
A Guy's ISIS Tattoo Got Him Fired From Home Depot . . . Even Though It's His Ex-Girlfriend's Name.http://gawker.com/man-claims-his-isis-lip-tattoo-lost-him-his-job-at-ho-1693073628
A 32-year-old woman in New York got emotional after a traffic stop this past September, and tried to prove she wasn't crazy by telling them President Obama followed her on Twitter.  That made them think she was CRAZIER, and she was sent to a hospital psych.  But he really DOES follow her . . . and 644,000 other people . . . so now she's suing. 
The Best Job in the World Just Opened Up . . . "Brothel Tester"

Monday, March 23, 2015

 A 26-year-old in Georgia posted on Craigslist last week looking for a very special guy.  Apparently she met him at a bluegrass show . . . they hooked up outside an Arby's . . . and he threw up in her lady parts. https://athensga.craigslist.org/mis/4931388479.html
A guy in Georgia got into an argument with a woman in a convenience store last week, and when they got outside she attacked him . . . with her BREASTS.  Basically she bumped him with her chest, and he reported it as assault.  The cops identified her but haven't made an arrest yet.
DEEP ELLUM, Texas — Two women in Texas are on the run after they performed an illegal butt injection that killed a woman.
 The great VERNE "MINI-ME" TROYER had a seizure on Saturday while he was signing autographs at the Heart of Texas Comic Con in Waco.  He was taken to the hospital as a precautionary measure, but he's fine.
A 51-year-old guy in Michigan was busted a few times earlier this year, for going to stores and randomly showing employees his NUDE SELFIES.  He told the cops he did it because it cheered him up when he was feeling down.  But he has a long rap sheet, so now he could be locked up for LIFE.http://www.mlive.com/news/grand-rapids/index.ssf/2015/03/man_tells_police_showing_pictu.html
A 12-year-old girl in Colorado was arrested on Friday for trying to poison her mother . . . . for taking away her iPhone.  She spiked her mom's drinks with bleach twice this month . . . but her mom caught on the second time.  She's facing two counts of attempted first-degree murder.
Some women who hook up with JOHN STAMOS want more than just the experience.  They want PROOF.  A new book called "How to [Eff] a Woman" includes a Stamos quote where he says, "A couple of women have wanted 'selfies' afterwards.  One girl really wanted my shirt, like a souvenir."http://www.amazon.com/How-ck-Woman-Ali-Adler/dp/1501238302/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1427068996&sr=1-1&keywords=Ali+Adler

Friday!!! March 13, 2015

The police need your help in apprehending the notorious "Akron Pooper."
In a state that had already produced one “Poopgangsta,” Ohio cops are trying to identify the man for responsible for defecating on at least 20 vehicles.
A 23-year-old woman in Nebraska called in a bomb threat to her cable company on Tuesday . . . because her CABLE GUY never showed up.  It turns out they DID try to get a hold of her that morning to reschedule, but she had recently changed her phone number.
A new survey found one in six people in relationships say they'd rather pleasure THEMSELVES than have sex.  The main reasons are:  It's faster . . . it's less messy . . . and it's less complicated
  How Much Were Woodstock Acts Paid in Today's Dollars?

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Early this morning, amid the protests outside the Ferguson Police Department, two officers were shot.
SLIPKNOT guitarist Mick Thomson was stabbed in the back of the head after a drunken KNIFE FIGHT with his brother Andrew early yesterday morning.  Andrew was also injured, and both were hospitalized, but it looks like they'll be okay.  Police say they appeared to be intoxicated.
Here are some results from a new sex survey by "Esquire" and "Cosmopolitan".
Several people in the media are suggesting that rap music is to blame for the racist chant those Oklahoma University frat kids were caught reciting.  But AL SHARPTON made the very valid point that these are two very different situations.  That chant was a straight-up celebration of racism, NOT a rap lyric.
A 31-year-old woman in England has been trying to get her driver's license for 14 YEARS, but can't pass the test.  She's spent at least $7,500 on more than 250 driving lessons, but always starts panicking . . . and can't get the hang of using her hands and feet at the same time.
 A new study found you may be sexist without even realizing it.  If you open doors for women, pay for dates, or offer your coat when they're cold, the researchers say it shows you think women can't take care of themselves.

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

 There was an explosion and a fire at a house in Colorado yesterday . . . and when the cops got there, they found graffiti on the house that said, quote, "My wife is a cheater."  So the guy who lives there was arrested . . . fortunately no one was hurt in the fire.
Yes. Yes there is. This is the actual name of an emergency homeless shelter in Juneau, Alaska.
 A group of adults were at a Chuck E. Cheese in Ohio for a kid's birthday party on Sunday night . . . got into an argument with the manager over a broken photo booth . . . and started BEATING UP the staff.  Six people were injured, and the cops are trying to track down the suspects.
British singer SARAH BRIGHTMAN plans to become the first professional singer to sing in space.  She and her ex-husband ANDREW LLOYD-WEBBER are writing a new song for her to sing on board the International Space Station later this year.  She's going up there on a Russian rocket on September 1st.
A federal jury ruled yesterday that "Blurred Lines" DOES rip off the 1977 MARVIN GAYE song "Got to Give It Up".  And they ordered ROBIN THICKE and PHARRELL WILLIAMS to pay Marvin's kids $7.4 million.  The Gayes also sued T.I., who appears on the song.  But the jury let him off the hook.
Now that "Two and a Half Men" has been put out of its misery, you'd think that everyone could move on from the tired beef between CHARLIE SHEEN and the show's creator, Chuck Lorre.  But of course Charlie isn't done.
BEN STILLER and OWEN WILSON announced the coming of "Zoolander 2" by making a surprise appearance on the runway yesterday during Paris Fashion Week.

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

In a first, senators plan to introduce federal medical marijuana bill!
Three teenagers broke into a house in Missouri back in November, and stole a wooden box full of cocaine.  But after they snorted it they realized it was cremated ASHES.  The cops eventually tracked them down, and filed felony charges.
A guy in Saudi Arabia recently divorced his wife because she was in love with a CAMEL.  He made a passionate speech about how much he loved her . . . and she said she didn't feel the same way because her heart belonged to the camel.
Someone posted a ridiculous story online about why you shouldn't light your flatulence on fire.  A guy had his girlfriend hold a lighter up while he passed gas on Sunday, and it made a fireball . . . but his sphincter sucked the fireball back in and burned his colon and butt cheeks.

Monday, March 9, 2015

A woman in New Jersey went on a date with a guy on OkCupid named 'Gooch' a few weeks ago.  They went to a sports bar, she took him home . . . and he stole her car.  The cops are still trying to track him down.
 People are selling sealed BAGS OF AIR from KANYE WEST concerts, and there are idiots actually bidding on them.  Not all of them are receiving interest, but one had 90 bids and was up to $60,100.  The listing has been removed, and it's unclear if a transaction took place.
 A 17-year-old guy in Oregon asked a Vegas SHOWGIRL to go to his prom, and she agreed . . . IF he got 10,000 retweets.  He got up to 1,300, but the principal stepped in because the school bans anyone over 20 from dances.
A clothing company in Indonesia is in trouble, because the washing instructions on their soccer jerseys say, "Give it to your woman.  It's her job."  And check out their 'apology.'  Quote, "The message is simply, instead of washing it the wrong way, you might as well give it to a lady because they are more capable."
 "Time" magazine's new list of "The 30 Most Influential People on the Internet" includes . . . Kim Kardashian, Beyoncé, Justin Bieber, Gwyneth Paltrow, YouTube stars Bethany Mota and "PewDiePie," and Vine sensation Nash Grier.
 There's a rare condition where you get drunk off FRENCH FRIES.  It's called auto-brewery syndrome, where people have extra-high levels of yeast in their stomachs.  So when they eat food that's high in carbs, it's converted to alcohol.

Friday!!! March 6, 2015

Workers’ Comp Benefits: How Much is a Limb worth? http://projects.propublica.org/graphics/workers-compensation-benefits-by-limb
A 48-year-old guy was arrested last month for flashing women outside a Babies 'R' Us store in Florida.  And he told cops he was doing it because he's looking for a girlfriend . . . and that's what the ladies WANT.  He's facing charges for indecent exposure.http://offthebeat.blogs.tcpalm.com/2015/03/04/1190/ 
The Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus says the "Greatest Show on Earth" will go on without elephants.http://bigstory.ap.org/article/df575148221544f4adaf3bea2adbb635/apnewsbreak-ringling-bros-eliminating-elephant-acts
Harrison Ford Crashed a Small Plane . . . He Will Not Die! http://www.tmz.com/2015/03/05/harrison-ford-plane-crash-landing-golf-course-santa-monica/
A Belle Glade woman watched her ex-boyfriend appear before a judge Wednesday morning charged with aggravated stalking.
Everybody Panic: Peeps-Flavored Milk Is Here.

Thursday, March 5, 2015

TRAVIS BARKER wants TOM DELONGE to make his departure from BLINK-182 official, so the fans are clear with what's happening.  He says, quote, "I think [he should] just man-up and quit the band instead of telling people he didn't quit . . . I think that would give him some closure too."
A woman in Oregon went to an Italian restaurant on Valentine's Day ALONE, because her husband was too full from lunch.  She says they refused to serve her, and told her to give her table up for a couple.  So now she's SUING . . . for $100,000.
 Here are some results from a new survey on sleep positions:  Men are more likely to be on the right side of the bed than women . . . women are more likely to face AWAY from their partner . . . and 20% of people would NOT be willing to switch their sleeping side.
If she wants to leave, she must pay me N60,000 —Husband
There was laughter at the Sharia Court, Samaru, Gusau, Zamfara State,  during the week, when a housewife, Aisha Dannupawa, asked the court to dissolve her one-week marriage to her husband, Ali Maizinari, because she could not bear the size of his penis.http://tribune.com.ng/crime/item/30635-please-dissolve-our-one-week-marriage-i-can-t-cope-with-his-big-manhood-wife-tells-court/30635-please-dissolve-our-one-week-marriage-i-can-t-cope-with-his-big-manhood-wife-tells-court?tmpl=component&print=1
A New Jersey man cannot collect damages for burns he suffered while bowing his head in prayer over a sizzling steak fajita skillet at Applebee's, a state appeals panel ruled today.

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

A new study in England just examined the age-old topic of men's JUNK SIZE.  And the result is . . . your unimpressive package is perfectly normal.  The average man is 3.6 inches soft and 5.2 inches engorged.
DEA warns of stoned rabbits if Utah passes medical marijuana.  http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/wonkblog/wp/2015/03/02/dea-warns-of-stoned-rabbits-if-utah-passes-medical-marijuana/
Japan cops jail American for having adderall.

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

One of the towns featured in "The Walking Dead" is for sale on eBay.  It's Grantville, Georgia, and you could own it for just $680,000.  That gets you a significant portion of the "downtown," including nine buildings of residential and commercial space, totaling about 34,000 square feet
 Two guys in Australia were hanging out on Sunday afternoon, sharing a bag of Doritos . . . when one guy started HOGGING them.  The other guy grabbed a stick and demanded more chips . . . so his friend grabbed an AX.  Two cops intervened before it could escalate . . . and the guy with the ax was arrested.
There's a new wearable device that tells you when you need to POOP.  It attaches to your stomach, tracks what's going on in your intestines, and sends a message to your phone ten minutes before you'll have to go.  It's mainly intended for the disabled or other people with medical conditions who need extra notice that their bowels are moving . . . and it should hit crowdfunding sites in a few months..

Monday, March 2, 2015

 A guy in Seattle hadn't gotten rid of his Christmas Tree, and it tipped over into his fireplace on Friday and caught FIRE.  When he picked it up to take it outside, he was badly burned . . . and ended up in the hospital in critical condition.
A new study figured out the most popular LINGERIE in all 50 states.  Places like Vermont, Michigan, and Texas had the most exotic picks, with things like lace bodysuits and satin camisoles.  On the other end, Colorado and Washington both went with flannel pajamas . . . and Tennessee went with SWEATPANTS.
Michelle Rodriguez has a different take in the lack of diversity in Hollywood ... she thinks it's ridiculous to make things right by making superheros less white.
Actor JERMAINE "HUGGY" HOPKINS was arrested in Arizona for buying 200 pounds of weed from an undercover cop last week.  He told police he arranged the deal so he could give his family a nice Christmas.  So props for planning so far ahead, I guess.
Taco Bell is testing a CRAZY new breakfast item:  Donut holes filled with milk-flavored cream icing, and covered in crushed-up Cap'n Crunch.  For now they're only available in Bakersfield, California.
"Star Trek" legend LEONARD NIMOY passed away on Friday morning at the age of 83.  He played Spock for nearly 50 years on TV, and in eight movies.  Nimoy was also a poet, a singer, and a serious photographer who released several art books. He's survived by his wife Susan, three kids, six grandchildren and one great-grandchild. 

Friday!!!! February 27, 2015

Net neutrality wins, for now: The FCC today decided to regulate the Internet as if it were a public utility.http://www.newser.com/story/203277/fcc-internet-is-a-public-utility.htm
A 30-year-old guy in Russia met a blonde woman at a bar and went to a sauna with her to make out.  But she drugged him . . . and when he woke up, she'd surgically removed his TESTES.  The cops think she was working with a gang to sell them on the black market.

A Christian Singer Let "Fifty Shades of Grey" Use His Song Because He Thought it Was a Romantic Comedy

 Police in Oregon got a call on Tuesday from someone whose HOUSE was stolen.  It wasn't a mobile home or anything . . . it was a real, 1,200-square-foot house that someone managed to move.  The cops finally tracked down the missing house on Thursday . . . and now they're trying to figure out who stole it.
Pornhub.com is creating a new device that lets you charge your gadgets by PLEASURING YOURSELF.  It goes on your wrist, stores the energy, then you plug in a USB cord and charge your phone or iPad.  There's no word when it goes on sale or how much it'll cost.