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Our Junk

Thursday, May 5, 2016

Opioid addicts are getting high on diarrhea meds and it's killing them.

A woman in Florida went home with a guy last month, slipped something in
his drink, and robbed him when he passed out.  But she accidentally left her
driver's license behind, and got arrested.

A drunk college student in Ohio was arrested for stealing a catering truck last
weekend, because she thought it was hers . . . even though she drives a car.
Alec called him a "paparazzi piece of trash," and told him to stay away from his
wife.  And when the guy tried to talk back to him, he screamed "Shut up!"  Pretty
typical stuff for him. 

Wednesday, May 3, 2016

 Paul McCartney, the Rolling Stones, the Who, Roger Waters from Pink Floyd,
Bob Dylan , and Neil Young will take over the site of the Coachella festival in Indio,
California on October 7th through the 9th.
  A new survey found 46% of parents have taken money out of their kids' piggy
TUPAC's mother Afeni Shakur Davis died on Monday.  She was 69.  There's word
that she suffered a heart attack, but there's no official cause of death.

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Guy follows woman into bathroom thinking she's a guy. 
STONE TEMPLE PILOTS are looking for a new singer, and even though
SCOTTSTAPP hinted that he was the guy in a recent interview, it isn't him.
 The band Tweeted, quote, "Despite recent comments, Scott Stapp is not, nor
has he ever been considered as [our] singer." 
It sounds like somebody got audio of AXL ROSE practicing with AC/DC for their
upcoming shows.  There are two, 30-second clips of Axl belting out "Shoot to
Thrill" and "Thunderstruck".


Monday, May 2, 2016

The first trailer for the new "Ghostbusters" movie is the most hated movie trailer on YouTube, with more than 609,000 dislikes. 
AMY SCHUMER almost gave up taking pictures with fans because of one pushy
guy in Greenville, South Carolina.  Amy posted a picture of the man on Instagram,
and explained what happened. 
A woman in North Carolina got upset last week when a restaurant gave her boneless
chicken wings instead of the regular wings she'd ordered.  So she pulled a GUN, and
got arrested for assault.
The annual White House Correspondents' Dinner went down in Washington on Saturday. 


Friday, April 29, 2016

Well it's hard to call this good news . . . but maybe we can call it a silver lining
for bad people?  A new study out of Binghamton University in New York found
that cheating on someone is GOOD for you . . . in a very selfish way.
A couple in Oregon noticed $200 was missing from their nightstand this weekend,
and when they looked at surveillance video, they saw a random WOMAN do it.
 And when the cops investigated, they figured out it was a PROSTITUTE . . .
that their 18-year-old SON had ordered.
  KIRK CAMERON says wives should, quote, "honor and respect and follow their
husband's lead, not to tell their husband how he ought to be a better husband."
 You know, the usual for him.
Vinnie's Pizzeria in Brooklyn, New York just invented a new way to deliver pizza.
EMMA THOMPSON came close to being sprayed with horse manure during an
anti-fracking protest.  Emma and other activists held a mock BAKE-OFF on land
that was approved for fracking.

Thursday, April 28, 2016

A couple is suing Snapchat, claiming that the social media app's "speed filter"
tempted a woman to drive too fast, causing a crash.

A guy in Australia was using a port-a-potty yesterday, when a venomous SPIDER
bit his junk.  So he drove himself to the hospital, and doctors were able to get him
the antidote.
A woman in Florida was busted earlier this month for attacking her boyfriend with his
two-foot Stormtrooper action figure.  She was arrested for battery.

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

A British butcher paid tribute to PRINCE by creating PURPLE SAUSAGES.  There's just
one problem . . . Prince was a vegan.  
A Burger King employee in Florida stole $20,000 worth of sausage and BISCUITS a few
weeks ago.  And he told the cops it was to pay off DRUG debts.
A guy in New York randomly punched a stranger on Saturday, because he looked like
SHIA LABEOUF.  The cops are trying to track him down.
Apparently our dogs actually HATE it when we hug them.  Researchers found over 80%
of dogs showed signs of being uncomfortable or stressed when their owners hugged them
. . . only 7.6% seemed to like it.
Audio of the 911 call KID ROCK made after he found his assistant dead hit the
web yesterday, and Kid goes BALLISTIC on the operator, screaming at her to
send an ambulance.  The assistant died in an ATV accident on Kid's Nashville
property earlier this week.

Tuesday, April 25, 2016

A couple got caught having sex in a public pool in Florida on Saturday . . . while
there were KIDS around.  So the guy got out, started chasing kids around, and tried
to HIT them.  He was arrested for assault and lewd and lascivious behavior.
Conspiracy nut ALEX JONES thinks the CIA funded BEYONCÉ'S "Lemonade"
album in order to start a race war. 
A guy in Florida met a woman for a date this weekend, but her two male friends
pulled guns, made him strip naked, and stole his car and his clothes.  Except the
cops tracked them down using his Find My iPhone app.
PRINCE died without a will, so his siblings would be in line to inherit his fortune.  He
has a sister Tyka, and five half-siblings who'd also be entitled to a share.  Different
reports put his total net worth between $150 and $300 million.

Monday, April 25, 2016

 10 most overrated tourist attractions in America .
 PRINCE's autopsy was completed on Friday . . . but a cause of death won't be determined until the toxicology results come back, and that could take four to six weeks.  For what it's worth, there were no signs of trauma on his body . . . and TMZ claims he'd overdosed on Percocet the week before.
 A pet shop owner in Oregon was arrested last month for stealing an exotic animal
to tip a PROSTITUTE . . . then he claimed it was stolen.  
"Baywatch" fans rejoice:  PAMELA ANDERSON will appear in the upcoming movie.
 THE ROCK announced her involvement by posting a picture of the two of them on Instagram.

Friday, April 22, 2016

PRINCE passed away yesterday at his Paisley Park compound just outside Minneapolis.
 He was 57.  He was found in an elevator, and they couldn't revive him. http://bit.ly/247675O  http://bit.ly/1NnEsZV 
Instead of a bonus, the owner of an auto body shop in Minnesota gave his employees
METH on Wednesday.  

Thursday April 21, 2016

A dominatrix was at a bar in Florida on Saturday, when a guy told her his friend was
into rough sex.  So she punched the guy's friend in the FACE, hit him with a beer bottle,
and is facing charges for battery.
  Jacob Lew has decided to put  Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill, making her the first
woman on U.S. paper currency in 100 years.
Canada's  Health Minister Jane Philpott announced in a speech to the United Nations
that the government will introduce a recreational pot legalization bill next year to "keep marijuana out of the hands of children and profits out of the hands of criminals,"
A weed dealer in Florida was arrested on Tuesday, so he had to spend 4/20 in jail.
 And for some reason the right half of his face is totally shaved, while the left is
covered in facial hair.
Merriam-Webster just announced a bunch of new words they're adding to the dictionary.  Some of the highlights are FOMO, hella, revenge porn, and TMI.

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Tuesday morning, Johnson explained that it was the threat of "total deafness,"
and not his bandmates, that forced him to leave AC/DC.
Coke Shakes Things Up in Face of Declining Sales
A new study found the average person unlocks their phone 80 times a day.  That
averages out to about once every 11 minutes.
A Florida man is changing his name to BRUCE JENNER, in order to preserve
the name's "heterosexual roots".  His BIRTH name is Mark Behar, and he used to
work as a bodyguard on the set of "Keeping Up with the Kardashians".
A guy walked into an Arby's in Oklahoma last week, announced he was from the
FUTURE, and said he needed food to take back with him.  He grabbed some bacon
and chicken, broke the door, and was arrested for robbery.

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

People in Germany called the cops Saturday night, over a guy dressed as an
FBI agent carrying a rifle.  So officers swarmed the scene, and found he was
just a STRIPPER.
Two male lions at a safari park in Botswana both tried to have sex with a female lion
this weekend, but she was already pregnant and wasn't interested.  So . . . the two
male lions just got-it-on with EACH OTHER.
A company in Spain just created a mattress called the Smarttress that has a feature called the, quote, "lover detection system."

Monday, April 18, 2016

 A woman in Tennessee left her 14-month-old baby in her car last week while
she auditioned at a STRIP club.  It got up to 100 degrees in the car, and the
cops had to rescue the baby.  But she's okay, and the woman was arrested.
  AC/DC has officially confirmed that AXL ROSE is their new singer.  He's joining
them for a tour in Europe next month, and ten shows in the States that haven't
been rescheduled yet.  

82% of Americans say that getting a tattoo isn't a rebellious act any more.  And 59%
think in 10 years, most companies won't care about employees having VISIBLE
tattoos at work.
Student Arrested Over Fart-Spray Incident at the Whiskey Bent in athens.

Friday, April 15, 2016

Parole board recommends parole for Leslie Van Houten.
A new survey found that one out of three people go on the same vacation every
year.  And 10% of them try to get the same HOTEL room every time.
http://bit.ly/1Sjkz8E  http://bit.ly/1T8V8na
Biggest theater chain may allow texting.

Thursday, April 14, 2016

When TED CRUZ was solicitor general for Texas, he fought to make the sale of sex toys
illegal, saying there was no need to "stimulate one's genitals." 
56% of vegans and vegetarians wouldn't date someone who eats meat, according to
a new survey.  And 27% have ended a relationship over it.

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

against North Carolina's controversial anti-LGBT law, but they won't boycott the
A guy in Florida just got a letter telling him there was a warrant for his arrest . . . for
stealing a TV in Connecticut in 1989.  So he flew to Connecticut this weekend, and
turned himself in to face larceny charges from 27 years ago.

Tuesday, APril 12, 2016

 XHamster’s announced that it’s pulling out of the  North Carolina over anti-LGBT bill.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON says her marriage to RYAN REYNOLDS didn't last because
they were two actors whose "careers were going at the same rate."  She added, quote,
"There may be a competitive thing."
A new app lets couples learn about each other though quizzes without actually communicating.
Rob Schneider is the actor who most consistently appears in BAD movies.
The police in Northern Ireland caught a guy who participated in some riots last July,
because he tagged himself in photos of it on Facebook. 

Monday, April 11, 2016

  NICOLAS CAGE and MOTLEY CRUE singer VINCE NEIL got into a fight on the
Las Vegas strip this past Thursday . . . and TMZ got video of the tail end of the
Did you shower this morning, or just walk out the door smelling like a dumpster?  
Well, "Time" magazine recently did a poll, and found a surprising number of
Americans DON'T shower every day.
A guy in New Hampshire flashed his junk at some Dunkin' Donuts employees
a few weeks ago.  Then he went back the next day .
N.W.A called out GENE SIMMONS during their speech for recently saying that
he's "looking forward to the death of rap."  MC REN said, quote, "I want to say
to Gene Simmons, hip-hop is here forever.  Get used to it."
A guy climbed a mountain in California on Thursday to propose to his girlfriend
on FaceTime.  And she said yes.
GUNS N' ROSES played their first reunion concert in Vegas over the weekend,
and AXL ROSE performed from a giant THRONE
The amount of personal stuff people overshared on Facebook went down 21%
last year. 

Friday, April 8, 2016

Highlights from Carolina Rebellion will air on AXS TV May 6th through the 8th from
7 p.m. to 11 p.m. ET each night. Performers include ZZ Top, Lynyrd Skynyrd,
Alice Cooper, Scorpions, Disturbed, Sixx A.M., 3 Doors Down, Collective Soul and
 ICE CUBE has confirmed that N.W.A will NOT perform at their Rock and Roll Hall
of Fame induction tonight.  Cube said, quote, "I believe everybody's going to be
there.  As it stands now . . . [but] we're not performing.  I guess we really didn't
feel like we were supported enough to do the best show we could put on.
A new study found the things that make people think you're CREEPY.  The top
three are:  Strange or dirty clothes, pale skin, and having bags under your eyes.

Thursday, April 7, 2016

Students at Indiana University had a scare on Monday night when people started
posting on social media about a KKK member on campus with a WHIP.
 For 29 years, hotel owner Gerald Foos watched many thousands of guests
having sex, going to the bathroom, and more at the Manor House Motel in Colorado.
A study just found a connection between the way you hang a roll of toilet paper
and your personality.  People who hang the roll "over" style are more likely to be
dominant, and people who hang it "under" are more likely to be submissive.

 MERLE HAGGARD died yesterday on his 79th birthday, due to complications from pneumonia.  And he actually predicted the day it would happen.  His son wrote this on Facebook.  Quote, "A week ago dad told us he was gonna pass on his birthday, and he wasn't wrong.  [An] hour ago he took his last breath." 

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

New gap kids ad is being called out as racist. The ad features members of an
all-female dance troupe who have made it their mission to promote the importance
of girl power.
An Uber driver in Philadelphia asked his passenger to take over driving during a
200-mile trip on Saturday so he could nap.  When he woke up, his passenger had
gotten into a high-speed police chase.

 New Gap kids ad is being called out as racist. The ad features members of an
all-female dance troupe who have made it their mission to promote the importance of girl power.
A new study found that sex lasts an average of five minutes and 24 seconds.  But some
couples had an average time as low as 33 seconds . . . and some had an average time
of up to 44 minutes.

Friday, April 1, 2016

We're forgetting a lot of basic stuff because we can always just look it up
on our phones . . . and that might be a good thing.  
A guy in Sweden was upset earlier this week when a woman didn't want to
have sex with him after a date . . . so he passed gas in her apartment and left.
 She called the COPS over the "revenge fart," but as far as we know, the guy
was NOT arrested.